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Friday, 30 September 2011


Hey there folks...
Today is Friday and I definitely have something special in store for you..!!!
Today.. we have a guest post by one of the most brilliant bloggers in the blogosphere that I have come across so far.

Sagittarius...!!! that's her sun sign but you know that when you see the strong impression she leaves on you once you visit her blog.

A friend...!!! If you thought that she is all work and no play.. you got her wrong because she is one of the most fun loving person I have come across.

Known for speaking her heart out come what may, she doesn't believe nor likes Beating around the bush to tell what she feels..for in her own words " she likes what she does and she does what she likes" and in fact she IS one of the primary reason that inspired me to start my blog..!!

She cried when Sir Sarcasm died.. She had her word when the War broke in the blog world and what makes her stand out is her strong faith in herself . Her blog is called THE BLUNT BLOG and by now you would have guessed it why..!!

Friends, if you haven't visited her blog... waste no second... for you have really missed something.. for its my privilege to have her write the FIRST EVER GUEST POST at THE DEVIL'S WORKSHOP..!!!

CHINTAN  the blunt blog GUPTA..!!!!!

*round of applause*

With that said...Over to you Chintan :)



You know you are in good company when you read a mature article such as this. I am someone who is completely against abortion, not that I have the right to take decisions about everyone’s life, but I would love to be able to do so and set few things straight. Those of you, who are regular readers, ah who am I kidding, know I write about strong subjects related to women, men, sex, relationships. Some time back I read about contraceptives and wrote this post. However, today when I read Prashanth’s blog, I thought this needs to be addressed again. Since, I owed a guest post to Prithvi, I thought why not take this subject and mention few of the cases I know of and have a blunt discussion about it?

Abortion, the movies show, our society reflects and China a whole nation surviving on, the very much cruel example of kill-that-unwanted-child. If you are sixteen and pregnant, you better abort, some girls can cope; some cannot, but that itself is a tender age for abortion. I bluntly blame men for this! I do. It’s your fluid that is ejected by you however resides in our body and gets us pregnant. What follows next is the confusion, if you ought to deliver the child or let it bleed through the vagina for a month or so? Yes, that is what happens when a woman aborts the child not always though. As per this website, a woman may bleed up to a month and this is not even listed in serious side effects! I find this ridiculous; can a man imagine himself bleeding from his penis for a month for not accepting a child? I doubt.  Some of you male readers may stop reading at this point. Have you smelled the abortion blood? If you have not, maybe you should, just to get a feel how your woman who went through the trauma of the child that she could not accept. Ah well, what do you know, some of the writers even call us the child vending machines.

Abortion may have some serious physical side effects and some severe emotional side effects as well. I come from a Punjabi family, where lands and farms have very special meaning. I am much loved, very much spoiled however I wouldn’t deny how the families do need a son. I love my brother much, but I know my mom aborted too. One time, she aborted a son, because my parents were not ready. I do think, it was the right decision, but because of abortion, my mom developed cysts and had to remove her uterus during menopause days. We are a happy family today, but my mom did have some depressing phases, I cannot say for sure if it all happened because of abortion but it happened and she would share how she didn’t want to abort. One of my aunts aborted a girl child and she saw the child. She pledged not to try no more and she did not care to have a son. She has two lovely daughters and she is happy today.

I read someone’s comment on Prashanth’s post that, these days abortion is safe. How much ever safe, abortion be, it does affect the woman in question. Side effects can never be ignored. Some women may even develop suicidal tendencies and men do not think twice before labelling it as atrocious behaviour. As a man, you need to understand, woman’s body, emotionally and physically meant to reproduce, thus when she kills her child, she can feel how a part of her too died. You are not only asking your woman to kill the child, but also giving her a slow death and no I am not adding too many emotions to this post!

Now, if I look at it from a different perspective. I know a couple, who got pregnant. They were not planning, yet, they got pregnant. They unfortunately had muted the television when those mental advertisers were screaming condom conDOM CONDOM! She came and told everyone at work. She said, she isn’t ready, but they told the parents and thus they have to give birth! Well, what’s the point? Tomorrow, you might as well tell the child, we did not care to have you, but your grandparents insisted. Believe me, it affects the child! I have seen it happening how children get emotional about the whole thing and go in a denial. Another thing, you are not ready to be parents. You know when you are not. Thus better to let go, than to make that child and your family suffer. Men tend to dump the responsibilities on women, you do when you ask the woman to abort than taking responsibility of the act and the child. But, in some cases, even if it’s a financial issue, it’s better to not have the child, if you cannot do justice to his/her life.

I am completely against abortion, its best to take precaution and play it safe! However, do not dump the responsibility on women. The contraceptive pills have hundred side effects and you are only playing with fire. Condoms are the most effective way to prohibit un-necessary pregnancies. You want to enjoy the act, enjoy responsibly or else they may be baking some apple pies down the corner, you better have those and mind your own business!



Thanks a ton Chintan and to all of you who read this and truly appreciated this..!!!
God bless all of yo and have a lovely Weekend ahead...!!!

loads of love,

Thursday, 29 September 2011


Okay.. so here we go..
Mr. Bad to himself :*ahem..* My turn..!!!!

                                                                 Sincerely yours
                                                                        Mr. Bad. (",)

I am sure you have watched THE DARK KNIGHT.
and I am quite sure that you took heath ledger  JOKER home that day...!!! googled his images.. uploaded his lines as your FB status.. even made him your DP. Now, he was the bad guy, but still you liked him huh ??? why ?? because he was the devil that you are hiding inside ??? 

but does anybody know HOW THE JOKER..REALLY BECOME WHAT HE IS..?????
If you do.. shut up and dont spoil it for me..
If you dont.. read on.. :)

The story of how a out of work stand up comedian who had quit his job as a chemist and was burdened under unpaid bills and a pregnant wife who dies.. all of it.. made him THE JOKER.
(for more info.. read the Killing Joke )

Now why am I telling you all these story.. well it does have to do with what I am going to talk about..!!!
go on.. grab a can of coke.. some popcorn.. toss yourself into a comfortable position.

Its been a season of OPEN LETTERS..!!!!
honestly every person is busy writing one.
Madarasan started it by writing one to the Delhi wala boys.. but the female bloggers nicely turned it against the entire male kind and now everybody wants to write one..
south Indians and north Indians to each other.. Congress and BJP to each other.. Indian cricket team to English players..(English players dont feel the need to respond.. they have the cup.) Fathers to sons.. girl friends to boy friends.. etc to some other etc..!!!

So even I decided to write some open letters from my end. would be nice way to start huh ???

Iam the devil in your dirty little mind.. you may deny my existance.. but (as Kevin spacey said it) "the greatest trick the DEVIL pulled was to convince the world that he dint exist" 
hehehhehehehehhehehehehe....!!! *Evil Laugh*

Having said that.. let me ask.."why so serious??"" huh ?? come on.. SMILE..!!!!

Okie.. dokie..
so shall we start ???


Dear Madarasan,
Dearest Madarasan..
My dear Shahana,

Hey there..
Shahana.. nice name by the way.. classical raga origin.. Naice. Nice. :) Did you also know that it means "Royal" in Persian ?? 
I bet you dint.. else you would have flaunted that as well..!! 

You reminded me of the JOKER from the graphic novel THE KILLING JOKE. ( and here its just a reference and I am no way implying you are Joker or remotely close. Please dont mind, its just that I like him too much. No hard feelings.)

One bad day did turn you into what you are. (Am sure you had a bad day which made you bitch about to your drunk friend who called you at 2 in the morning and then wrote it)
yup.. I did go through your letter.. in fact all your posts... and all I have to say is this...

HA HA....HEEE HEEE.. HA HA HAA...!!! :)

(P.S : not laughing at your posts..Unlike 1528 followers  I dint find them funny. I am laughing at you..!! why ?? read between the lines. *_O )

now to the 1528 followers..
no no.. no "read between the lines" tasks for you.. because I am sure you wouldn't get that.. you couldn't differentiate between desperate attempt for humor and some real humor.. so I shall be very straight forward..!!
Nopes.. I am not jealous that you are not following me.
In fact I am happy that you aren't cos because, you would have popped up at every post and commented.."Hilarious..Very Funny..Loved it..Do write more"
Probably the reason why you never stepped on my blog is because I never wrote an open letter ?? hope this doesn't change your mind. :)
So, what I was trying to tell is "GET A LIFE."
No.. seriously get a life...!!! you really felt the open letter funny??? okay.. understandable.. the girls never let the side of their own and the guys have their reasons for finding it funny (its a girl's blog.. what more reason does one want??
bet half of them just followed her because she had what they lacked and no am not talking about brains here.. be a little pervert and think..yes, you got me now o_O), but the later posts..?? seriously..!!! that killed it for me.
She goes ahead and types a reply where she herself is wondering how could the urban youths could take a post of 20 odd girl's nonsense so seriously..?? she says at her diplomatic best that she dint mean anythin and it was aimed at good humor (???) 
and you people replied "what..???? no venom ??" , "diplomatic??" ,"ok then now we can close the curtains!!!" (WTF..!!) ," I liked the open letter, please write more open letters" (??????)
and if this was not enough.. she goes on to make a clear mockery of herself  of all of you by starting a new post on blog and how "fendy wendy khan market delhi chick" gets picked up by "teri maa di behan di delhi guy" thanks to her blog.. and you found it funny too ??? really ??? please highlight which part ?? proving my point that you really need to GET A LIFE. (and some real good deal on brains in that life)
Agree to it that you just followed her for the heat of the moment.. for it was cool to do.. because you wanted to be the first to tell the world around that she has done it expected more bitchy stuff from her..  women for sure (read almost) thought she was the Joan of arc..!!! Ladies, am sure she wont disappoint you even if she disappoints the guys.

Guys, She says it that her blog is not the place to pick girls up, that if she ever has to break her back for more satisfying and self indulgent activities then,she'll prefer George Clooney and not you..(dont tch tch me.. these are her words not mine.) and Ladies... what can I say..??? *evil smile* you are doing what you always do the best.. watch each others back and then bitch about it.. which makes me wonder.. the fendy wendy delhi chick and the maa di behan di delhi guy were also following her ????? and if they did then the "teri maa di etc guy" did end up picking up a girl and she is contradicting herself ????

Now if she is reading this.. wonder if she writes a letter to me..??
Fascinating..!!! :)


So the 1528 followers, hope( read am sure)  you all dint take it personally. its all for good humor..!! (pun intended)


Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Break Ke Baad..!!!

Hello everybody..!!!
The devil is back in his workshop..!!!

Dekho main nanha Jadugar..
bahut se kisse laaya hoon..
Palke bhi na japkhao deko..
Gazab tamashe diklaun :) :)

I had been home for past few days.. a sudden trip like always.. but it was a nice getaway..!!
(I needed one as well )

I couldnt blog at home.. I had decided not to.. However I did check all the comments all you lovely readers drop :) Thank you so much :)

 2 good things that happened specially

Firstly, 3 new fellow bloggers Joined the workshop.. Round of applause for them everyone..!! :)
  we have Rose, who is quite by nature but does take sides :)
 then we have suvaiba who strongly believes that she is a reflection of her thoughts.. a Tigress ( that's what her name means and her attitude towards life :) )
and then the saviour from the future, Ovasis, who is from future to undo all the evils that has been unleashed..!!!!

So that rises the followers toll to 17..!!! good going everybody.. Thank you for joining the workshop and spreading the good word..!! I love you all unconditionally :)

the second most important thing that happened was something I was looking forward for..
I was thinking of featuring a guest post..!! and something is actually cooking up as well :)
Also anybody interested in writing a guest post, please feel free to let me know..Remember Its your workshop as well :)

Also, If anybody has been following the comments then you will remember that RED had asked me if I can click food and life style and  tell a story..!!! I am working on that as well.. so no serious clicking is happening here.. but check out RED's blog.. she is definitely on a blog spree with some amazing posts..!!! You will the blog and the posts and that is a guarantee :)

what else.. yup.. I wont be blogging from now.. atleast for sometime now..!!!
Infact I have a confession to make.. 3 of us were managing this blog..
The GOOD, The BAD and me, The UGLY..!!!

Me and Mr. good tried hard to increase the blog traffic.. with our posts.. Mr Good wrote an entire short story as well..!! (thank god.. nobody unfollowed the blog after reading that)
Now.. both of us will be retiring for sometime and the blog will be maintained by Mr. Bad..!!!( oh no..!!!)

I request all of you, not to take him too seriously and leave the workshop.. this is a temporary arrangement.

"Yeh Pal thoda mushkil hain.. par yeh pal beet jana hain..!!!"

We'll be back soon..(atleast I will be) but until then.. Best Of luck to all of you..!!!

Of course.. that means Mr. Good retires... I will be popping around on weekends for the photo blog and sometimes here and there as well..!!

So till we meet again..

See you.. when I see you :)
God bless

Saturday, 24 September 2011

My WORLD.. My VIEW...!!! PART 4

If by any chance you happened to have stumbled upon my blog, you would have seen a lot of Posts by the name Fireflies..!! 
Well that was my first attempt of writing something really serious..
but your prayers have been answered and I finally ended :D
Anyways.. coming back..
Today is Saturday.. and Saturday is Photo blog day..!!!!
(yay..yay.. yayyyy...!! )

Since my tests were going on.. I couldn't manage anything new.. but as I had said last time that I had lots of pictures clicked from the landscape theme.. posting them up..

*rolling Drums beats*
my dear Gen-taaallll mans... and the Gentall wumaaansss..!!!

My World My view..
Landscapes.. Part II

From the God's Own Country*..!!! :)


*Except the last few.

I stand Alone..!!!!!

             The waves that hit the shore... has a story to tell if you hear..!!!

                                       The Guardian fort..!!! :)


                    Into the blue Horizon..!!! where the differences end..!!

                              The road less traveled... that made all the difference


                                          Lonely.. lonely blue boy.. Is my name..!!

The fall..!!!

and my obsession of the colored sky continues..!!!

                                                     This one is from bangalore.. lal bagh..!!!

                                                   Light at the end of the tunnel..!!!

                                                     Nilgiris of Bageshpura...!!!

                                           Back to room.. the setting sun.. another day ends...

                                       And a Beautiful night sky follows the sun set...!!!


Friday, 23 September 2011

Fireflies (Part XI- Love )

Final chapter 

I don’t know what more to tell you because no matter how much I write I can never match to express your mother’s love for you neither can I express about those wonderful days I shared with her. I love you my child. I have always have. Never said this to you but it was Grace who made me see the importance of letting your loved ones know that they are loved. The feeling is always beyond words when said from the bottom of your heart. 

I hope you feel it because I have lived a part of my life like Grace watching your childhood and part watching you as a young man with a loving wife. Please tell Casy that she is the daughter I never had and wished every day for. Thank you for letting me live my little Grace’s dream. I must say to the last word of what I remember and even more. The joy and happiness in those times with you and Casy is beyond measures, for in all those times I could clearly see my Grace in you.

It’s too late now and I have been writing for long. I am tired. So retiring to bed. God bless you my child.

 I closed the book.

I was still crying though I could feel a smile on my face.
I walked outside and stood in the fresh breeze that was still flowing.

 I could never thank Aunt Judith for writing about maa to me. For giving back those days I missed. I had a strange guilt of not being there with maa when she needed me the most. I felt bad for not making an attempt to reach her. I felt bad for giving upon her and guilty of being not worth the love I have received. I never in those letters had mentioned that I love my mother. I used to write complaining how she had left me and asking her to return. But there was strange peace within me. For I knew my mother. Her love. Her unconditional love even at her worse phase of life. At the age of 28, I finally found my mother back. Though I had left her, she never did.

It was 5.00 AM.
I walked back inside looked at the picture of me, Aunt Judith and maa again. No picture seemed so perfect. I couldn’t help but smile. I looked at Casy who was sleeping. She looked more beautiful than ever. I kissed her on her forehead and she smiled. She dint open her eyes but she was smiling. I smiled along. I once again started reading the last page of the diary that aunty had written. At the bottom I saw a quote. It seemed she deliberately ended on this page. It said

The hour of departure has arrived, and we go our ways- I to die and you to live. Which is better God only knows.
Socrates, in Plato’s dialogues’. ‘Apology’

I closed the diary.
Closed my eyes and tried recollecting maa and aunty once again. Thanks to aunty I had more memories of maa that I could live with and I knew deep inside that I have changed. I could feel maa and her love with me. I looked at the calendar for the day my life changed.

24th September 2007.
Aunt Judith died in her sleep.
24th September 2007.
I became richer than any man alive. I became what I am today.
24th September 2007.
I found out love.
I looked at the watch. It blinked 5:30 in the morning. I looked at Casy once again. Quickly picked my cell out and started to type and sent a message to her. A message she would see early morning when she wakes up. I looked at the calendar date again.
24th  September 2007.



Next day morning when Casy woke up, she found herself wrapped in her husband’s arms. He was sleeping like a baby. The laptop was on the bedside table, and a diary like book to its side. “He did open the package.” She thought. She laid a soft kiss on his check and tried untangling herself. She got up and took her cell phone to check on the messages, if any.

1 new message it showed.

It read-
“Once in our ordinary lives, love does bring a fairy tale”
Thank you, for making my life a fairy tale far better than I could ever dream of. I love you more than what you think or I ever try or say that I do.

Casaurina read that message again, walked back and again lied down next to her husband. Tangling herself back in his arms. Before she closed her eyes, she kissed her husband and whispered in his ears. “Ditto...!”




A few words before we close...
thank you so much for your patience and making it this far... I know its been a rather long story.. quite slow (and i guess I did loose track in the middle) However.. for all those who stuck on and did finish this... Hope you liked it..!!!


Fireflies ( Part X- Grace dies )

She wanted to travel around the world. Or at least out of this town with you. She used to sit and plan the places you both would visit and how she would live her life once again. She was sure that in spite of her ill health you wouldn’t abandon her like your father. All these years, never did your father once try and find out about her. Neither did anybody else from his family. She used to send your father gifts every Christmas asking him to send it across to you, and not mentioning you about who sent it but I don’t think you ever received any of them.

Every day before going to bed my child she used to come to my room, ask me about my day. She used to listen to my school ordeals and stories of kids in the class and try and place you in any of those stories. When sleepy she used to kiss me good night and say that she loved me just as much as she loved you too. She felt I would feel bad because all day she would talk about you and never ask about me. I used to laugh and tell her that not everything needs to be said, as something’s are understood. But thinking of those nights now, I feel those were the best part of my day.

We had a nice run together for 3 years my child and time flew. Those were the fastest three years of my life. One day I was at school when I got a call from the hospital. Your mother had a heart attack on her way to the doctor. I was supposed to go with her but last moment she decided to go alone and asked me to carry on with school. By the time I reached the hospital, she was already gone.

I still remember her lifeless face when I saw her. She looked pretty old for her age. And I never could hold her at her last moments. Grace left all alone, collapsing in the doctors clinic while she was waiting for her turn. i still thank her for making sure I told her I love her the previous night because other I would have regretted it as I regret till date of not being there for her, with her in her last moments. Sometimes I sit and wonder what would have been her last thought and then it comes to me without any doubt that it was for sure you. in her stuffs I found one of the letters she had written to you the previous night. It had her experiences and love in every word. She had not mentioned a single word about her troubles and I knew why. Because even in a letter that she would never post she dint want to write about her problems and make you worry for her. That was how much she loved you. 

I feel so bad that all her dreams that she had planned to live never could come true but instead she gifted those to them. I felt eternally overjoyed when I saw you for the first time when you came asking for me with Casy. Every moment I spent with you and Casy I had Grace in mind because I wanted her to live those lovely moments through me.

I find myself contemplating life sad it can be, how short it is, how much we all take for granted, how joyful it can be, how random what we're all dealt really is. Sometimes life just happens to us and there's not a damned thing we can do about it. Sometimes choices we make cause us to be in a place we never dreamed we'd be. Though it was never supposed to be this way, I am grateful to have known her. And though there were times when she caused me great heartache there were also times when she brought great joy. 

My child, you have your mother’s heart. Trust me when I say this because I knew her better than anybody else in this whole wide world. She never gave upon life. She never quit trying because she always believed in one thing. Her love for you. and she was quite sure that this love would make her see through those darks days. Never give upon on life because Grace never did. Even in her worst days she believed in miracles and hoped to live every moment to the fullest.



Fireflies (IX- Sisters)


She then looked at me and asked I could get her some colors. She wanted to paint. She wanted to try hard once again to fight her way back and I knew it was for you. I brought her all the paints and stuffs she needed. Grace had started to paint. Back after so long, I saw my little grace play with colors. I prayed every day for her and hoped for some miracle.

One night I was reading in my room when I heard her call my name. She was in her room painting. I ran to see she standing next to her canvas asking me how was the painting. She had tried painting you and her. She also told me about all the details that she had tried to add on to the canvas. But all I saw some randomly applied colors on canvas with nothing that made sense. I felt that a portion of me die that night looking at her that way. But I dint let her know anything. Instead we sat down hours after that talking about you and how wonderfully she had put them all in a beautiful piece.

My child, I don’t want to open up old wounds but I felt you need to know Grace after you left. But I don’t want to remember her as a person who was not in a sound mind. Instead I want you to remember her as a person who loved you the most on earth but never could let that out. She received all of your letters that you used to write to her. despite her best attempts not to reply, she sometimes used to sit and write pages and then never send them. She believed that it was for your own safety. I tried talking her into sending them but she wouldn’t. 

Not all days were bad. We did share some good days too. Most of those were when we used to sit and recollect our childhood or talk about you. every year she used to keep a track of which class you would be in. she used to tell me the kind of sports you would have chosen at school. That you would be surrounded by pretty girls who would have been mesmerized by your talks.  She wanted to see you graduate. She had plans for the party she would keep that night of your graduation. We used to sit and talk hours about how we would redecorate the entire house and celebrate.

That you would fall in love. She wanted to be there in case your heart was ever broken but she was quite sure that nobody would let go of such a loving handsome boy. She used to tell me stories of how it would be when you come back in search of her after your college. How she would ask you to leave and yet you would insist and fight with her to let you stay. How you both would spend nights talking about all the years she missed watching you grow. She was hoping if you would write a diary for her. That you would find a nice girl and marry. How she would be running around helping the guests. Your kids and the talks about you never seemed to end. 

I hope you understand why I love Casy more is because I am sure if Grace was alive she would have spoilt her more than her own mother. Grace wanted to teach your kids all that things that she missed teaching you. She wanted to live her motherhood through you and your family again. I still remember how keenly she would wait for your letters and how much she cried when you had stopped writing. She tried really hard my child. She tried very hard to fight her inner voices and demons that kept her away from you for she loved you. I am so sure that if there was anything that she could have done to keep you with her she would have done it. There wasn’t a single day when she has missed you out on her prayers. Never been a single day that she had not spent hours talking to your pictures. In spite her illness getting worse she never gave upon life. 

I still remember the day when I saw her outside standing in front of the house worried and about o cry. When I went to her and asked she showed me a coin on the street and said that the coin was talking to her. Asking her not to abandon it like she abandoned you but she couldn’t pick it up because it was facing tails side. It seems she was standing out for hours together hoping if it would flip and fall on the head side so that she could pick it up. She was crying because she dint want to ask anybody else to do it and neither could she touch the coin otherwise because the voices wouldn’t let her. I can never forget that day when she looked at me so helplessly hoping if I would flip the coin for her. I did and it was then she picked the coin and kissed it all the way back. She asked me so many times in between if she was a bad mother and that she had not abandoned you or the coin either. 


Fireflies (part VIII - Aunt judith continues)

Hello everybody... Today is the last installment of the Fireflies series.. I know its been quite some time.. but smile.. It ends today :)

I went inside and closed the diary. I wanted to throw it away. While I putting it back into the what remained of its cover, I saw that the picture of me, maa and aunt Judith was still out on the table. I picked it up and once again carefully saw maa. I pulled the diary out and was placing the photo back inside the book when I noticed something written on it back.

It was maa’s handwriting. There was no way in this life I could forget her handwriting. There was no way in this entire lifetime I could forget anything about her. I began to read what was written.

Once in our ordinary lives, love does bring a fairy tale. Thank you my son, for making my life a fairy tale far better than I could ever dream of.

The moment I read it, my hands felt a strange weakness. I was trembling and dropped the picture. I couldn’t think of anything. I felt my legs going weak. I sat down, picked up the picture and looked at maa once again. The last memory of my mother I now had was a mentally unstable woman. Nothing I can ever do will change this. For this was the truth.

 But there was a greater truth that I knew. I loved my mother. More than anybody or anything in this world. And that she loved me too. I now knew why she dint wish to visit me either when I was sent away. Because she dint want me to have an image of her not well. She dint want me to see her that way. I had never made an attempt too. I wrote her but she never replied. And slowly I felt she dint want to. But I never made an genuine attempt to know why she dint, where she was or what was happening with her. I was never there when she needed me the most. In midst of all these thoughts I never realized when I started to cry. I was crying and I dint want to stop. I cried hard holding the picture of maa close to my heart.

I couldn’t stop now. Not everybody gets a second chance. I was not going to lose this one. I had to find out what happened with her. I wiped my tears, pulled the diary out and continued to read.

My child, after the divorce, she was asked to get help. She was also asked not to stay in touch with you until she was showing progress in recovery or until her doctor would certify that. I must say she did try visiting all the major psychiatrists in town to find a way out. She had by now realized that there was something wrong with her. Or maybe it was for you. She wanted to prove that she was fine enough to take care of you. Since she dint want to stay alone, she asked me if she could move in with me and she knew that I would never say no. How could I?? Irrespective what anybody said, she my little Grace and there was no way I could leave on onto herself.
She was very particular on attending all the sessions that was scheduled. I was initially worried about leaving her alone but she was fighting hard against herself and I dint want to make her look weak.

One day when I returned from school, I saw her sitting outside and crying. I ran and held her and asked what had happened. She said that it was not helping. Nothing was helping and she still could hear voices. She said she heard the voices say that there was no way out. I could see her losing hope but before I could comfort her, she told me that she had met you and said that she would never meet you again. The voices threatened her to harm you too and she couldn’t risk you any harm. She held me and cried for long. I tried to be strong but deep inside I knew that it was all coming to an end. That she couldn’t take this for long. Many a times I wondered what she was going through her decision of letting you go was something that told me that she was ever going to normal again. That she had given up totally. I dint say a word that day instead I held her as she cried on and on.


Thursday, 22 September 2011

Fireflies (Part VII- mysterious caller )

This is a long post..   Aunt Judith is speaking about Grace.. her younger sister.. and something that changed everybody's life.  I thought a lot about splitting this into two halves.. but I dint want you to loose the continuity.. 


Things changed one day when she came over to my place one evening. She was crying. It seems she had a major fight with your father. Lately both of them had been fighting more often. She said she doubted him having an affair. He was being unusually late from past few days and she once had overheard him talking to some female. 
But none of these were taken seriously until she said she received a call from some guy. He never said his name but had said that your father is having an affair and her marriage was in danger. Following that phone call, when your father came home that night she tried talking to him which ended up in a fight. She had no idea about the guy who called her but over a period of time he would call her up often telling her about your father and what he was doing. One day, she was told that it’s a woman from his office. 

And when she tried to ask about to your father, he yelled at her and called her names. She then realized that he would never agree to it. She, unlike any other women believed that they could still work this out. But the more she tried to talk to him about this the more fights followed. The only person who believed in her was the guy who used to call her. Your father in fact even went ahead and accused her that its she who is having an affair and was blaming him instead so that she could get out from this. Coming to think about it now, nobody would have ever imagined what she was going through. She told me this and when I asked her about the guy who calls her so often she was becoming defensive. She wouldn’t tell his name even. She began yelling at me that even I like her husband dint believed her.

I remembered this. The fights. It all started suddenly. Yes, dad had started working late nights. He used to come home very late. I was made to eat my dinner while maa used to wait for him. Sometimes she would join me and eat too. He used to come by the time I was put to bed. Initially I could hear them argue for long late at nights. It was bad. I could hear maa crying towards the end of it. But these were not often. 

Maa was changing too. She had become very restless over the period of time. Her temper levels very rising pretty bad. I remember she once had beaten me so badly for losing my new set of color pencils she had got me. But then, she cried harder with me after that. She was changing. And I never knew what was happening. Sometimes late at night, she would come into my room and hug me and cry. Sometimes she would just sleep holding me tight as if she was afraid if I would run away in the middle of the night. Asking if over and over again if I would leave her, making me promise her that I wont. I never knew what was happening or why. Now I know, it was that cursed phone call that started it all. I wondered who was calling her. I wondered if Aunt Judith ever came to know about the guy who was calling her.

Once she called me up late at night. She said she had a fight again with your father that night. This was becoming more than usual now. But there was something else that had happened. He had assaulted her. The fight had gone physical. A fit of rage grew within me. I wanted to call up the police and get that man arrested. After all how could he? She was crying so badly, I dint know what to do. I said I was coming to her place that very moment but she begged me not to. I dint know what to do but I was damn sure if I had gone to her place that night I would have given him a piece of my mind. I would have showed him that just because he is a man he can’t do that to his wife. He can’t do that to my little sister. I felt like stabbing with a hot piece of iron.

I was getting impatient. I called her up again sometime later to find out if she was fine. She told me that he went out after the fight and has not returned. She was adamant on me not coming over. She felt it could worsen situation. I dint sleep that night. First thing in the morning I went over to her place to find her left side of the face bruised and swollen. Son of a bitch and beaten her up like an animal. I lost it. I never imagined that this day would ever come when I would have to look at her like this. The moment she opened the door and saw me, she hugged me and broke down into tears. She was crying like a child. I was melting inside and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it than cry along with her. I stayed there with her and try to talk to her but she dint want to. I decided that I couldn’t let this go just like that and pretend that it never happened. I left by evening, but went straight to your father’s office. I was told he was at a meeting and that I would be late. But I insisted that I would wait and there is no way he would go without talking to me. 

When he finally agreed to meet me, I was called inside the office. I was in complete rage like a mad bull on rampage. He started to explain, when I asked him to come out with me as I dint want to create a scene at his office. We went outside his office in the parking lot. He started to explain with an apology when I slapped him hard on to his face. The ass deserved one. He was totally shocked. He knew why that for was. I told him that I have always understood that it was his family and whatever was wrong was to be sorted out between them but he wasn’t to think that he was man enough that he could dare assault my sister and get away with it as if nothing happened. 

He listened to every word I yelled at him with complete silence. I was about to leave when he called me a psycho bitch. I lost it again and slapped him harder. But then he lost it too and what he said after that just shook my world from within. He asked me if I knew what really happened ? he continued saying that irrespective of all the false stories Grace was building up about him having an affair with someone from office he never once had lost his temper. He said that, his company had suffered a major loss and he was working late to cope with it. He was neck deep on loans and needs more contracts to come out of it for which he was working almost 12 hours a day. Irrespective all these he made sure he never once gave her a hint of this in order to worry her but she on the other hand blamed him of going around with a fancy office colleague whom he knows nothing about. She always was saying that some friend, some guy was calling her up and telling these stories. And that he tried hard to find who this person was. Neither she nor the phone records that he checked showed any such details of a guy calling up. Last night he came home late and the usual arguments begun. He was in no mood to for an argument and was avoiding talking to her when she picked up a vase and hit him. That’s was when he slapped her in an attempt to stop her as she was becoming more aggressive and there was a silent spectator that night watched it all. He said that you had woken up and had come out of your room to witness your mother physically assault your  father and him slapping her in return. He felt so disgusted and in pain with the hit from the vase that he left house immediately and met their family doctor as his head was bleeding. 

He said that she was mentally sick and needed help. But she was not ready to accept that. She said that it was his trick to get away with his affair by proving her mentally instable. I was speechless with what he said. He went on explaining more instances that Grace never told me about. Like she used to sit and talk to the paintings she painted in the middle of the night. Walk around houses aimlessly talking to herself, sometimes even yelled out and dint allow anybody to come near her. Initially he thought she is just venting her anger or frustrations against him by talking to herself but more incidents followed which convinced him that she was not in a proper state of mind. He also said that he had planned to put you in boarding as he feared your safety since he had to work late and you were spending a lot of time alone with her.

I remembered. 
I had seen that. 
That was one night I had tried hard to forget but I could never. Both of them were physically fighting. Dad slapped maa and left. She held me all night and cried. I know it because I cried with her too. I dint know what was happening. But all I knew was that dad had hit maa and she was in great pain. I hated my father since then. And before I could forget any of those, he came to me one day and said that I was being sent to boarding school. And he would come by and meet me often. I dint wanted to go, but there was nothing that could change his decision. I had cried hard the night I left home. 

I don’t know how but I felt that my eyes were full. I closed the diary. Went out into the balcony. Lit another cigarette. I was trying hard to shut every thought.

 I was trying to shut every thought of my mother like I had done for all these tears. But I couldn’t control them. They had completely taken over my mind. I was seeing every image, every incident of me and maa that I could remember was running in front of my eyes. I couldn’t go on. I couldn’t read this further. I was fine with what I knew. I dint want to know any further. I decided I won’t read any further.

I went inside and closed the diary. I wanted to throw it away. While I putting it back into the what remained of its cover, I saw that the picture of me, maa and aunt Judith was still out on the table. I picked it up and once again carefully saw maa. I pulled the diary out and was placing the photo back inside the book when I noticed something written on it back.....


Fireflies (Part VI- Grace)

Here is part VI as well.. posting more parts in order for you have a continuity in reads... Pretty long posts.. but I felt the diary portions need to published together..



Grace was 7 years younger to me. I still remember the day she was born. She was so pretty. Just like my mother. I had never seen papa so happy when he held her. Growing up with her was an experience. She was a like a bag of surprises, always surprising us with something new. She used to paint beautifully. Like the brushes in her hand understood what she had in her mind. She had a soft and beautiful voice, but never used to sing. She used to hum some tune while was painting. Never loud. Softly. Only to herself. 

There were wonderful moments in our life that now when I think wish had remained. Growing up was sad because I knew life never would remain the same. We all went ahead with our lives. Married and settled, we believed we found what we were looking forward from life. Ironically, we settled for otherwise. I ended up with a bad marriage and she who always wanted to live free and travel ended up being a house wife. 

We used to meet up sometime even though her in laws thought I was a bad influence and was filling her mind against them. They never knew that we never used to talk about them. Or anybody for that matter of fact. We used to meet up to live our childhood back. She used to stay till late on some days when she felt I was not myself, making sure I am fine. We both had given up on life and believed it from the very core of our heart that there was nothing that would change this. Life had given up on us and so did we.

But then something did happen. She gave birth to a baby boy. And then somewhere I felt she believed that she could start all over again. Watching her as a mother was over whelming. She had so many things planned for both of you. Years went on and I watched you grow older and her younger. You were a sweet boy indeed who like his mother had dreamy eyes. It wasn't a surprise for me. You were her son. Am not sure how much you remember those days with her but let me tell how I saw it. Like a bird teaches her young ones to fly, she had made sure that you believe that life was a dream. A dream where anything could happen. You could fly if you wanted to, paint in air without colors yet make a masterpiece.
Anything was possible. If you believed in it. And you did.

 You were everything she had imagined.

I, who had totally immersed myself in my career as a teacher, had found a new interest. To listen to you. You used to tell me lots of stories. Do you remember that??

I did.
I did remember vaguely spending time with aunt Judith. The long walks in the park adjacent to her house. Now the old house. She used to pick me sometimes from school. She used to tell me stories about various historic events. From Indian freedom struggle to how her father met her mother. He used to ask about my school and my friends and in return I would get freshly baked biscuits from her. 
I continued to read.

Though your father’s family never approved of you spending time with me, Grace had made sure that we did. You would come by after school some times and tell me stories. Sometime what happened with you at school. Sometime some made up stories about how an eagle spoke to you during your games periods. You said those with such sincerity that I would almost believe you at times. You were a story teller. I had a feeling that you would someday end up being a writer. Grace had asked you to write all these stories down and read it to her at the end of the day before she puts you to bed. And you, then 7 years old, did write so many.

 She would bring those by to my place and we would have a fun time reading it. She always made it a point to correct your mistakes but never to curb your imagination. I had seen Grace since her birth perform so many roles. A daughter, sister, a good friend but the role of a mother, I still feel that nobody could do such a fine job.

I saw a picture of me, maa and Aunt Judith. A picture I hardly remember. I sat on the middle of the Polaroid with maa and Aunt Judith of my both side. Both of them looked so similar. I was sitting in the middle. A chubby little boy wearing a white shirt and grey shorts. I couldn’t recollect much of what aunt had written here. Sometimes me and maa would go for a walk to her place. She and maa would sit and talk what I had no idea about but usually a lot of laughs were to follow. 

but it all changed... and it was all so sudden.. or maybe when I think about it, I wonder was it happening all through this time.. till this very date, I wonder.