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Friday, 23 September 2011

Fireflies (part VIII - Aunt judith continues)

Hello everybody... Today is the last installment of the Fireflies series.. I know its been quite some time.. but smile.. It ends today :)

I went inside and closed the diary. I wanted to throw it away. While I putting it back into the what remained of its cover, I saw that the picture of me, maa and aunt Judith was still out on the table. I picked it up and once again carefully saw maa. I pulled the diary out and was placing the photo back inside the book when I noticed something written on it back.

It was maa’s handwriting. There was no way in this life I could forget her handwriting. There was no way in this entire lifetime I could forget anything about her. I began to read what was written.

Once in our ordinary lives, love does bring a fairy tale. Thank you my son, for making my life a fairy tale far better than I could ever dream of.

The moment I read it, my hands felt a strange weakness. I was trembling and dropped the picture. I couldn’t think of anything. I felt my legs going weak. I sat down, picked up the picture and looked at maa once again. The last memory of my mother I now had was a mentally unstable woman. Nothing I can ever do will change this. For this was the truth.

 But there was a greater truth that I knew. I loved my mother. More than anybody or anything in this world. And that she loved me too. I now knew why she dint wish to visit me either when I was sent away. Because she dint want me to have an image of her not well. She dint want me to see her that way. I had never made an attempt too. I wrote her but she never replied. And slowly I felt she dint want to. But I never made an genuine attempt to know why she dint, where she was or what was happening with her. I was never there when she needed me the most. In midst of all these thoughts I never realized when I started to cry. I was crying and I dint want to stop. I cried hard holding the picture of maa close to my heart.

I couldn’t stop now. Not everybody gets a second chance. I was not going to lose this one. I had to find out what happened with her. I wiped my tears, pulled the diary out and continued to read.

My child, after the divorce, she was asked to get help. She was also asked not to stay in touch with you until she was showing progress in recovery or until her doctor would certify that. I must say she did try visiting all the major psychiatrists in town to find a way out. She had by now realized that there was something wrong with her. Or maybe it was for you. She wanted to prove that she was fine enough to take care of you. Since she dint want to stay alone, she asked me if she could move in with me and she knew that I would never say no. How could I?? Irrespective what anybody said, she my little Grace and there was no way I could leave on onto herself.
She was very particular on attending all the sessions that was scheduled. I was initially worried about leaving her alone but she was fighting hard against herself and I dint want to make her look weak.

One day when I returned from school, I saw her sitting outside and crying. I ran and held her and asked what had happened. She said that it was not helping. Nothing was helping and she still could hear voices. She said she heard the voices say that there was no way out. I could see her losing hope but before I could comfort her, she told me that she had met you and said that she would never meet you again. The voices threatened her to harm you too and she couldn’t risk you any harm. She held me and cried for long. I tried to be strong but deep inside I knew that it was all coming to an end. That she couldn’t take this for long. Many a times I wondered what she was going through her decision of letting you go was something that told me that she was ever going to normal again. That she had given up totally. I dint say a word that day instead I held her as she cried on and on.


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