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Monday, 24 October 2011

Oh kill..!!! (my version )

Hey there.. This post is actually dedicated to one of my favourite fellow bloggers.. RED :) and her blog RED HANDED.
Days back.. she wrote an amazing piece of story by the name "Oh kill..!!"  

I loved that so much that I decided to do a remake under the same title but a different story.. Its not as good as what she has come up the major reason because her story is very crisp than mine... but still.. This is for you RED..!! :) 

OH WOMAN...!! YOU KILL...!!!

I am not sure what woke me up, but the noises around me were now stinging me. The train blew its whistle out loud. The wind blows on the right side of my face resting on the window bars, while my left aches in heat and sweat. I try to stick my face completely  to the window but the sun is out, pricking every inch of my face. Genreal compartments are usually crowded. Today it was even more. Festive seasons. There is a lot of noise inside and outside of me. I just cant pay attention to either.

 I hear somebody playing “yeh dil na hota becharaa” on their mobile.

The train blows its whistle loud again and the engine hisses along. A station is approaching with an inferno of people waiting. As it stops, I see everybody looking at me with guilty eyes. Like they know it all. I cant shut anything out. My head aches once again. the noises are deafening.

I think of what happened last night.


I saw her sitting the corner. She was scared. But there was nothing to get scared of. It was all over. I was trying to console her but she wouldn’t let me near her or listen to what I was trying to say. My head was splitting again. I couldn’t stand it. I leaned back to the wall and sat down right opposite to her. Her face had gone red but she still looked beautiful, just like the first time when I saw her when she moved into my building.
I dint like him. The way he used to hold her when they walked together. The way he looked at her and the way she looked at him back. He had her trapped and she never saw any of it. I knew he was up to something. His visits had increased over the period of time. I spoke to her once when in the elevator. She had the voice like silk. Naïve and innocent she was clearly not seeing that he was planning it all.

My head was now about to explode. This was getting intolerable. Intolerable like the way she smiled back at him when he used to say something in her ear. She doesn’t know about my love. Not yet but am sure she’ll love me back when she sees how much I love her. I never had the courage to talk and tell her what I felt. She wouldn’t understand that am her guardian angel, guarding her always. I tried sending a couple of anonymous letters warning her about him and his plans..but nothing was getting through her. He had her totally under her spell. He started staying nights as well.

I couldn’t take this anymore. I couldn’t stand the thought of her in his arms. I had to do something. And I did it. Slipped through the balcony door that was open and inside. They were barely covered. Coiled in each other they slept. 2 shots totally got covered in the noise of Diwali crackers. I knew he was gone but she was safe.

She was safe .

She yelled.. Screamed and I had to shut her mouth. I tried explaining her everything but I knew I had lost her to his spell. She held him and was still crying. I couldn’t see her crying like that. I tried to talk but she wouldn’t listen at all. She was screaming and crying but there was nobody around. The noises outside were too loud submerging her silk like voice. And it was then I realised She would never love me. She never had. All those smiles we exchanged at the local store, talks in the elevators or warm greeting at the hallway meant nothing. I was being made a fool. By both of them. Even her. I looked like a joker. Something they could talk about and laugh. She too loved to laugh at me and all this while I thought…
I got up. Went to her, held her. She was wriggling like fish out of water but I held her strong and the noises outside did the trick again. She was motionless and light.


They lay in the bed cuddled in each other’s arms. They had made love. It was not their first time but today was something special. They were engaged. He got up and walked towards the balcony and lit a cigarette when he heard her say “that’s not good for your health. You know that right? It can kill you.” He smiled back, stubbed the cigarette and walked back to her leaving the door open; cuddled next to her while she kept her head on his arms. He smiled and whispered to her “oh woman, it’s not the cigarette, but its you that kill me”. 
He kissed her forehead, they smiled at each other before sleeping in each other’s arms.

Now playing : Stan by Eminem ft Dido.


  1. me first :P
    and i will read later.

  2. Stan is such an awesome song, it's an all time rap great. Nice post buddy, keep it up! :D

  3. Nice new perspective to Red's original. Liked the pattern of the narration.

    Awesome work.

  4. I loved Red's post too.
    And you have modified it very well!
    It was a great read. Specially the part in which the girl screams and cries. The descriptions are good!

    You see, we girls do kill ;D It's a fact =)

  5. RED is brilliant and her story kept me on the edge...But your's did justice to her post.. You managed to bring in a twist, though a bit was predictable.. I loved the way you used words to suit your story.. And love has become cold... Phew the icy chills giving me shivers.. Good read :)

  6. awesome work buddy!!! choice of words is simply marvelous!! another CB in the making...I see that!!
    each one of ur posts leaves me wanting for more...keep it up!!

  7. Ohho!!! Entirely new concept!!!
    Nice nice nice!
    I am honoured actually!
    Hmm Love transforms you and sometimes pokes the devil sleeping within to show itself!

  8. @RED : thanks RED. am glad you liked it :) I actually had this concept when I read your story.. took me a long time to write though :)

    @Chikki : Chetan bhagat ???? thats too much..!! :D :D am glad you liked it :) hope to write more to entertain you.

  9. @CS : yup.. we all know she is brilliant. am glad you liked my version too. Its a different from what she has written though. I wanted to write from where she stopped but I had this concept from long so wrote this.

    @philo : oh yeah madam..!! you girls do KILL :D :D
    Thanks da.. am so happy you liked it :) gld you liked the portions and descriptions well :D

  10. @AS : I like the stories in non linear fashion.. to tell and watch hear or read. So I tried the same thing here. I was bit worried if readers would like it. Am glad bud that you like the pattern as well as the story :)

    @YammieWaffles : true that bud..!! Stan is one of the greatest rap songs..!! a personal fav as well..!! :D

  11. Very well-written. I loved Red's story but you weave a different kind of world. And it's very nice. :)

    I shall agree with Philo. We women do kill. ;D

  12. @Rose : thank you rose... Welcome back.. Its been long time now...!! Am glad you liked it.. Well I wanted to tell it from a different angle.. And the narrative from the dark side.. I knw i haven't done it wel and the portions are very damp and slow.. I wanted to make it detailed but then also wanted to it leave it crisp and small.. That made the mess...!! Well that's my view after reading it..But thank you so much for liking it and oh ya.. Women do kill and the worst is that you know this..!! :):)

  13. Great attempt!!! But try to stick to one tense da...I liked the last part! :) and its a great thought of re working on RED's story and honoring her with the same! :)

  14. @Akila : Thanks da :) yup sure will work on it :)

  15. OK....I was a little confused with the change of tense but like you said you are more for the non-linear story, so stick to it if you really do like it that way:)...I haven't read the original from Red's will drop by later and read that...I have more catching up to do on your blog still :D..Mail me when you land in Bangalore, we can exchange numbers and then meet up...and you so made my day by calling me's got a cool ring to it and now I can ask poop-head (Kalpak) to stop calling me skinny dragon :D...I know he won't stop but atleast I can try right ;)

  16. How come you ain't got something to post? :)

  17. Man How did I miss this? good one boss :)

  18. @DIGS : hehhehehehehehe.. thought you would be mad at e shortening it to DIGS..!! am glad you liked it :) I prefer non linear type of story telling because I feel it keeps you thinking on what actually happened.. lets you connect the dots :) I dont have your mail id.. but do drop me a mail.!!

    @Philo : I ve a lot to post.. will do it slowly :)

    @VJ : daaa.. thenkss..!! :) :)

  19. Ouch ! Pycho story . Scared . *runs*