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Monday, 29 August 2011

THE 3 AM After effects

 Its 3 AM. I was struggling hard to sleep.
I have been sleeping and waking up at odd times recently. I looked at my watch and went to sleep again.
Its 7.30 AM. And by then I had already woken up 4 times. The last being at 6.
This had become a usual thing. No, “this” here doesn’t not refer to my waking up and sleeping habits. Read the above lines again. That habit had started recently.
“this” here meant the feeling after I decided to wake up and get out of my bed.
A free fall… from a great height… I could feel the wind rushing up as I was falling facing the sky. And just before I would feel like looking how far more to go… PAT..!!! like a scoop of icecream on the concrete floor… I am lying.. Head splattered with blood all over and chunks of brain resembling strawberry jelly shake spilt all over my head.
This was the feeling I was talking about when I meant this.
( am sorry if anybody found it too gory… in case you did.. imagine waking up to it every morning.. . welcome to my world.)
Standing in my balcony and lighting the first of many more to follow cigarettes, I try WAKING UP again.
It’s been 3 years now. Since i broke up with my ex-girlfriend. No, wait let me re frame it. Its been 3 years now since I last discovered that I was dumped by my ex-girlfriend and that she was already going around with someone else. Ok now all those who wanna know what happened, some other day all right ?
Where was I ?? oh yeah… 3 years.. and no matter how many times I say that I am over it, I am quite sure nobody can get over a break up. Especially when you were unceremoniously dumped.  If you read this and say… “what a loser… or I would definitely get over it” or anything like that.. my response to you would be “go F&*#% yourself”. Loose that attitude and try to stay with the flow of emotions. I am hurt. Feel the pain. If not, at least pretend.
Life had switched over from fast lane to slow lane. Things had changed. Slowly and steadily. I was once the popular guy in my college. Now I am just a face in the crowd. I was once the son of proud parents and now am just some neighbor’s joke. All of these… happened slowly. Right before my eyes. And all of these were what followed my breakup. Like all who get dumped I too followed the rituals of brooding, cutting off from the world and staying away from anything fun. Also looked out for some rebound but that dint last long either.
 That’s exactly when you expect your friends to show up and rattle you, shake you and wake you up to senses. Well, In my case, it dint. I was arrogant, proud never selfish and part show off. Who isn’t? if you are good then you would have had done it at one point. I kinda over did it and my hibernation seemed like a perfect time for all of them to let me loose. . Now despite all those negative adjectives I used about myself in the above few lines, I would definitely say that I have always been there for all my friends whenever they needed me and am not saying this to gain your sympathy believe it if you wanna believe it. Late nights, crisis situations etc. and it’s this fact that when I was let go, I actually felt like a toilet paper. Wipe your shit clean and then you throw it and not keep it in your pocket.
And it’s exactly about one of these friendships that I wanted to share. No names. But yeah she was a good friend of mine. We had loads of fun in college.  Out of many of my few memories that I wanted to keep from college, the time and fun we shared would still be in my list.
How did things end between us? Oh that’s the funniest part. If you believed that being dumped by my ex and knowing about it months later through somebody else is the funniest thing, you have to listen to this.
It was her birthday and we few friends arranged a surprise birthday party. She was leaving town as her joining dates and location for her job had come. So we had decided to have a party before she leaves.
Post the party, we were clicking snaps and there was one particular snap that was clicked where we both were standing next to each other and laughing looking at each other. It was clicked accidently when I was cracking a joke and had come out really cute. Anyways... Months went by and jobs kept us busy, one day when I was looking at old pictures, stumbled across this one and posted it on my facebook account where I had all my friends, family and peoples pictures who  were important in my life in an album called life and its side effects.
One day she suddenly calls asking how dare I post that picture and demanded to take it off. I was outside, however I ask her to wait and did remove it once I reach back my room. Now she called up again furious still and starts’ yelling on what was I thinking? I try to reason with her. Explain her that I had no intentions of putting up any wrong concept or idea and it was all in good intentions.  She hangs up saying that we would never talk again.
Now, you all know how friends fight often. Yes, we used to fight a lot too. But despite many of my apologetic messages, I never heard back from her.
Months later I call her up, and we start speaking normally. I said am sorry for what happened but she dint accept it at all. I mean I know it’s a big deal for a girl but she knew I dint mean it. She said some of her friends were asking if we were going around etc. etc. which hurt her. I dint explain anymore. Dint take me long that she was looking out for a reason to cut me loose and I gave her one.
Dropped the call. Deleted the number off. I knew I wouldn’t be talking to her again. Ever.
After all that I had done, after all the great time and fun we had if she was offended by a few narrow minded people asking some stupid questions to her and if she felt that this one incident was too big enough for her to call our friendship off… so be it. Am happy with one less.
Well, as my stub my cigarette, I realize few things. One she might have had been looking for a reason to end our friendship and why I still have no clue. Two, I have been a fool and have had loads and loads of stupid friends that my fate was cleaning up for me. Three, I am late for work and it’s a long day ahead.
Good morning everybody, have a great day ahead. God bless you all.

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